the other day, i was confronted by a friend. she said i had an eating disorder.
weird. i never thought of it that way. isn't it normal to eat less because of stress?
i understood that i have body dysmorphic disorder, but who doesn't? now a days, isn't it normal to think you're not skinny enough? or pretty enough? you can ask any girl or boy out there if they were to change something in their body, would they? the answer would most probably be yes. and isn't that because the most critical person is yourself?
i am not sickly skinny. it's not like i faint every so often. i eat. i do.
but it's not until i really thought about it...that i might have psychological symptoms.
i feel guilty. i feel guilty if i eat too much or something really fattening, and that's when i sit at home feeling fat and start making plans for working out and restricting my diet.
i always compare myself. watching youtube videos for working out, look at their amazing bodies. look at the girls in the magazines, so skinny, not sickly skinny, but skinny enough so that whatever they wear, weird or not, look so awesome.
and it's not like i'm dumb. i'm in nursing. i know all about this healthy stuff. i know eating is important. i know eating 6 small meals a day will maintain a leveled blood sugar and reduce cravings. but the thing is..i don't crave anymore. and regardless of what i've learned, i still do it.
it doesn't matter what you say. i will take your compliment...as a compliment, but nothing more. but it doesn't change my insecurities or my view of myself.
i never say i want to be skinny. i say things like i want to be more slim, i want to be more healthy.
i always read the calories, the fats, the food labels. but it's not like i stop myself from eating a certain number of calories. i just rationalize it. why would i want to ingest 300 calories per 10 chips. that's nothing! but that's when i start becoming more pickier. i like empty calorie foods.
i drink lots of water. it used to be because i never drank enough..but now it's because i found it kept me full. but why would i want to get full of fatty foods?
i used to have an alarm set on my phone that said no carbs. YES, i know carbs are essential in your diet. but everyone always takes too much anyways.
i have a number written on my white board. just a friendly reminder of what i want to be.
and right now, i think i have the will power to stop when i want to. i THINK i will stop once i see sunken cheeks and eyes.
but right now, i just think i can be better.
somedays i'm merely running on coffee...and I KNOW that's unhealthy...but i'm too tired to eat breakfast. i'm too picky to eat fast foods. and i don't want to pay 7 dollars for a small salad. that's downtown. that's university.
i do keep track of what i eat in the day.
so maybe i am obsessed and i'm addicted.
i want to be healthier. i see people in the hospital suffering from heart diseases and such..the ironic thing is...underweight people can suffer from that too.
i took a blood test. and it said i was A LITTLE BIT HIGH CHOLESTEROL. and i think that's when i really started watching what i ate.
i recently checked my blood pressure, and it was pretty high...that's when i realized that just looking healthy wasn't enough. and my friend said..what you don't know is that even though you think you look great in the outside, your body inside is dying and eating itself.
and that really made me think.
why do people associate being skinny as being fit or being skinny as being healthy?